Thursday, January 24, 2013

I hate hobbits

You want to know what I hate? I thought so.


That's right, those furry-footed half men with beer guts and a habit of eating second breakfast. I'm not talking Tolkien here, I'm talking real life. I'm talking my son's teacher and my former boss, people who smell like toe jam and would rather choke down a powdered sugar coated donut than look me in the eye.

You must know some hobbits? They are homely creatures who would do better in the land of the imagination than the streets of San Francisco, where I've overheard them say things like "I'm just across the street from you" into their cellphones or "I'm just so busy." Hobbits are never busy. Since I'm being honest here, let me add that busy people piss me off, too. In fact, busy people might be even worse than hobbits, but I'll save that thought for another day.

Hobbits like television and invariably have expensive TVs and cable because they are too feeble-minded to understand that all the good programs can be pirated on the internet. When you say the word 'download', the hobbit pulls out his cellphone and shows you a picture of his cat. Sometimes, the hobbit makes captioned photos of his pets, but they are never funny. My son's teacher, for example, sent all the kids home with a picture of his dog wearing a dog sweater and the words "Chilling through the Flu Season." This is not funny. This is sick and wrong.

The hobbit is usually in his mid- to late-forties. This is because young hobbits are too busy watching television to venture outside, and old hobbits are too busy thinking about dinner. The mid-life hobbit considers himself a pillar of society. He might be on the board of a one-person organization for which the hobbit himself is the only member. He might pride himself on creating the organization's website or emailing his friends information about the website, or maybe he simply likes to talk about the website he plans to make.

If you see a hobbit, protect yourself. Fortunately, hobbits are easy to defend against. If you say, "I love you," they will admit that they are not ready to commit to a relationship or that they would like to 'play the field.' Remember this. It is a good way to get out of any hobbit interaction. When I told my son's teacher that I loved him, for example, he told me he thought it best that we skip the next parent teacher meeting. My former boss proved himself the king of hobbits by pretending not to hear me. The hobbit will never think that you are joking, by the way. This is because the hobbit has no sense of humor, or maybe, simply, no sense.

Now you know. May you never have to use this knowledge.

1 comment:

  1. These hobbits sound just like all of my exes. Sam